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Optimism is hard.

I walk into the office today after a week's vacation feeling pretty good when I get smacked over the head with the 'reality hammer'...I'm back at the office. Whatever, not a big deal, I enjoy what I do, I enjoy the people I work with (most) and it's Thursday, I have a short week....what's that you say? We have no money? No prospective clients? No hope...? I'll tell you what, let me sit down and check my voice mails before you make me want to jump out the window and abandon all hope.

Like I said, optimism is hard...and it sucks. How the hell am I supposed to be optimistic when the first thing I hear when I walk into the office is "welcome back, we're fucked..."? It is so much easier to complain, more fun too. To summarize (steal) a quote from a great man (film character), "complaining (the quote actually starts with 'worrying', but we'll ignore that) is a lot like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do, but it never gets you anywhere." Strong words. But true. I could sit back and complain all day long about how crappy my job is (it's really not that bad) and ponder what the hell I'm going to do if/when we go under...but the bottom line is, I actually HAVE a job right now, one that I enjoy, and for the time being, I need to continue to work as if I will have one for a long time coming.

Optimism is hard because it's so easy to recognize the sad and crappy parts of life, the times where time seems to stand still and fear or grief gets the best of you. It's so easy to notice that it's raining outside and I forgot my umbrella...and even easier to recognize that the bottom third of my jeans are soaked (just about the WORST feeling in the world). It's so difficult to catch those moments of optimism because they are few and far between (at least they feel that way), but you just have to know where to look for them. Now, I'm not claiming to be any kind of an expert on the matter, just ask Amy, but I have learned a few tricks to at least divert my attention from my sock that is now soaked through (why do I even have a damn umbrella? Seems a large hat would suffice...).

Laugh.

It's very hard to fake a laugh, harder that it is to be optimistic, in fact, but everyone loves to laugh. Take note of the little things and laugh at the stupid funny (or not so funny) things. Enjoy the little things. Walking into a humid, 80 degree apartment sucks, but turning on the AC and walking barefoot across a chilly wood floor after changing out of the socks and jeans that are now wet halfway up the leg and sitting on a futon after a long day of work...priceless.

Chances are, you're not going to win the lottery...ever. So take stock in the little things, like the feeling of an itch that you just scratched or that smell from the bag of freshly opening kettle chips...

Optimism is hard. Faking a laugh is harder...

So laugh, it's easier.

The Beginning...?

I've never really had ANY desire to write...anything. I've always hated writing papers, stories, emails, texts and even more than the typical 'salutation' on a birthday card. Generally, I hated reading them too. But lately I've found a desire/need to find a creative outlet. From time to time I sketch, I read...but all too often it feels forced and therefore, not enjoyable.

Recently, I realized that reading and drawing are very cheap, thus, a great thing. I'd decided to do these things on my own terms, unedited and for fun only and the craziest thing has happened...I actually feel the desire to write. I've never felt anything but disdain for writing, but I find myself somewhat excited by it. Now, I have no idea what to write about but I do know that I want to write. Rather than sit down in a quite room with a blank pad of paper fighting through the writer's block, if you can call it that, I'm going to write about wanting to write and not knowing what to write about. Hopefully, at some point, something will go off in my head and I can go from there.

But I will not force it. Instead, I will write, sketch and read, sharing all thoughts and ideas somewhat unfiltered for anyone to see. I've never blogged before and have no idea what I'm doing right now, but I do have a strange sense of liberation and excitement of what might be...I've never had the desire to write before...

This is my attempt.